I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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