Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
