i think i have herpe
just one?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
