im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize