He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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