i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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