I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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