If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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