he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
