so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
being pregnant is like rehab
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize