I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
