well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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