come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
