When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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