i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize