I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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