If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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