I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
