Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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