So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
no, he came in my armpit
Ketchup is God's man juice
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
