My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
