If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
