Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
