maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
