Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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