Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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