everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
