I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
