Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
