THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize