doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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