On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
