how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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