My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
