Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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