If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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