Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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