theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
