i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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