I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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