make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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