Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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