why didn't you poke me back
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
