I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize