My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
