it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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