its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize