Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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