Buhtt sex?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
