party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize