I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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