doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
