Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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