If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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