So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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